1. How long have you been polyamorous or been practicing polyamory?
I discovered the word “poly” about 10 years ago, and that’s when my romantic life suddenly made sense to me. Before discovering that it was a legit relationship choice, I had a lot of guilt about wanting multiple partners, and thought there was either something wrong with me, or something wrong with whoever I was dating at the time. I broke up with a lot of people that I loved dearly, thinking that wanting other partners meant they must not be “the one”.
2. What does your relationship dynamic look like?
I have a partner who I’ve been with 8 years and we have a kid together. He has a girlfriend and I have a different girlfriend. My girlfriend has a boyfriend who I’m potentially interested in. I also have a business partner who I’m sometimes romantic with. What I’m most excited about in relationships is learning and growing, leaning a bit past my comfort zone, and being curious about what’s on the other side. I get more excited about deep emotional intimacy than physical intimacy.
3. What aspect of polyamory do you excel at?
Understanding multiple points of view.
4. What aspect of polyamory do you struggle with?
Jealousy when I imagine that I’m being rejected + replaced, and taking that personally.
5. How do you address and/or overcome those struggles?
Clear communication using various modalities such as “The Work of Byron Katie” and NVC (non-violent communication). Asking questions, and being vulnerable.
6. In terms of risk-aware/safer sex, what do you and your partners do to protect one another?
It depends on the partner and what their specific needs are. Lots of communication beforehand, testing regularly, and educating ourselves. Sex isn’t the main focus of my relationships, also, so sometimes a relationship becomes non-sexual for a time if it isn’t compatible with other partners’ needs or what I’m wanting right then.
7. What is the worst mistake you’ve ever made in your polyamorous history and how did you rebound from that?
Making agreements that I didn’t have an authentic “yes” to, then resenting my partner for it. I now make sure to really check in with myself before making agreements, and also periodically revisit agreements to make sure they still feel right or if they need to be renegotiated.
(Bonus: Do you have any groups, projects, websites, blogs, etc. that you are involved with that you would like to promote?):
I am the creator of the popular poly webcomic Kimchi Cuddles, which explores a lot of relationship dynamics and topics other than polyamory, including queer + genderqueer issues:
I’m also publishing a collection of Kimchi Cuddles comics with Thorntree Press (creators of More Than Two), which will be coming out next year.
[Editor’s Note: Tikva’s book is now available!!! I’m adding a link in order to throw her some additional support.
Kimchi Cuddles book now available on Amazon! http://amzn.to/1iHlcIQ ]