Things I Never Say
I want to tell my mother that I am not doing so good, tell my sister the reality of the life I’m living is far from what they had in mind for me. Tell my father not to give up the ghost.
The cloud which followed me from birth is my only constant. I’ve changed and changed within the change. It would be an understatement to say that I feel at constant loss. I cannot depend on things that I used to but then, I don’t think I ever really depended on anything or anyone. Ah, another mistake. Surely I relied on multiples to maintain today’s status quo.
Happiness will have you forget what loneliness remembers but in the depth of loneliness, you have nothing but the memories. The betrayal, personal angst, self loathing, self hate, watching the self depreciation, hearing your every fear and worry echo time and time again, the blur between the day that was and the day that is to come is no more clearly stated than watching the world outside with teary eyes through a rain washed window. Clarity.
I’d appreciate that. Through all the four seasons of loneliness, brief flashes of morning glee and darkest nights of tear soaked pillows, all I ever really wanted was you.
I know you less and less everyday and it scares me that I may never know you. I feel you slip away from me every time you close your eyes. I fear that should you blink a second longer, I might actually lose you forever. I cannot bring you back from the world you so willingly walked into. I hate to watch you slump into that realm where I cannot protect you. Not that I assume for a second that you need protection but dammit you are all I have. When the lights are out and the music left is that which cannot be shut off, it is still just you and me.
For goodness sakes, I cannot do this without you so why leave me now? Must you focus on all that is, what was and what should have been? No one should ever make you insecure without your consent. Should you be so free giving with empowering them, why then do you shun me, do I not need strengthening?
You are hurting me.
Make it stop.
This would be torture if I did not solemnly believe what you do to me is far more damaging than any physical or mental abuse one could inflict another. You are meant to love me. You are meant to care for me; I should be your first thought, your confidant. And yet you treat me like I need to be harmed. You carry too much with you and forcibly make me hold items without ever actually lightening the load.
You have been here longer than me; I am a child. All I can do is try to break through to this world you won’t let me breathe in. Were my life force not directly twinned with yours, I dare say I would me no more…perhaps I should be comforted in the knowledge that there is no you without me and as long as you fill your lungs with air, I’ll still be here. Like a faithful shadow but even shadows are blessed with time outs, growth & movement aided by the sun.
I don't even think I want you anymore. I am a shell of what should have been and you are draining me. I am shriveled inside and if I could leave you, I would.